Poems by Wayne Bledsoe, Panda Express and Other Purveyors of Exotic Eastern Cuisine and Philosophy
1.
Your smile brings happiness to others
Others,
whom I do not know
To me,
it is a twisted assemblage
like a collage by
Picasso
constructed
on horseback
at a trot
when he was drunk
likely as not
2.
You will receive an unexpected gift from an acquaintance
and the health department
should be notified
Antibiotics
would be indicated
and indictments
were it not
for social norms
3.
Your positivity will become a catalyst for change
Changing locks
Changing phone numbers
Changing addresses
because no one can stand
your cheerfulness
The irritation factor
is turned to 10
when your smile
walks out the door
but
comes back
again
4.
You will overcome difficult times
and then difficult times
will come back
to kill you
Because what doesn’t kill you
doesn’t make you stronger
It only waits for
another chance
and when it’s sure
your foot is broken
that’s when it says
“It’s time to dance.”
5.
Something on four wheels will soon be a fun investment for you
It’s called
a wheelchair
Have fun at the old folks home
6.
You will have good luck in your personal affairs
until your business affairs
are discovered
Then all bets
are
off
7.
Watch for a new relationship to develop within a month
Not with you
but you can watch it
nonetheless
8.
You find beauty in ordinary things
You must look in the mirror often
Here is a rock
9.
A new outlook will mean sunny skies ahead
Unless we’re talking about Microsoft Outlook
which will mean
another
fucking
headache
when opening your email
10.
Your greatest asset is your positive perspective
which must mean
you ain’t got jack shit
Get a job
hippie
11.
A well-arranged schedule is a good sign of a well-arranged mind
or an indication
that you are
in prison
Weekly showers
start in 30 minutes.
12.
A personal mystery will be solved with a smile
and a new mystery will take its place
Something along the lines of
“What the fuck did that mean?”
13.
People appreciate your leadership qualities
when you lead them to the buffet
or the restroom
Other than that
don’t tell us
what to do
14.
Your enthusiasm inspires others
to leave the room
and lock the door
behind them
15.
Look for love in the most unlikely of places, and
you’ll find infections in your intimate spaces
Hold an ice cube between your legs
to prevent venereal diseases
You’ll stay clean but suffer
from wet k-neeses
16.
Step by step, you will ascend the staircase of success
and deliver the Door Dash order
to the some assholes
who live there
17.
Be daring, try something new
Or be safe
and order the Kung Pao chicken
for the 115th time
18.
Express yourself through art and music
because we can’t understand
a fucking word you say
Have you considered
interpretive dance?
19.
Lead with your heart
or the heart
of that unfortunate person
who showed up at your door last week
This religious pamphlet
is covered
in blood
20.
A helping hand will pull you up this week
This service
not available
at all Massage Envy locations
21.
Modify your thinking to adapt to new situations
like unemployment
homelessness
and the fall of democracy
22.
Silence the critic within
and punch the critic without
in the throat
23.
Your talents will earn you the highest status and prestige
in careers that earn
the lowest status and money
Can you say
“Welcome to Walmart?”
24.
Your kindness will find new homes this year
leaving you
with a house full of malice
and anger
25.
A kind word warms for three winters
but does not pay the heating bills
no matter how damn nice you are
26.
There is excitement to be found wherever you go
and whenever you go
there is also excitement
You are the county fair
of emotion
with the lingering aroma
of corn dogs
and vomit
27.
A vigorous hike and fresh air are just what you need
said the landlord
to the evictees
28.
A wink and a smile will brighten someone’s day
or cause confusion
during a prostate exam
29.
You are always welcome at any gathering
when order the drinks
and pay the bill
30.
You have a knack for putting yourself in others’ shoes
and walking away with them
bring me back my shoes, motherfucker
bring back
my shoes
31.
You have a magnetic personality
You attract malcontents
the socially awkward
aspiring criminals
and malicious weirdos
... good job
32.
Address the elephant in the room
His name is Norman
and he just ruined
you recliner
Do you hear trumpets?
33.
You will travel far and wide and touch lives along the way
which completely violates
the terms
of
your
parole
34.
Your courage will guide your future
but your cowardice
will save your life
You are a marshmallow human
stay away
from fire
35.
A change of scenery is just what you need
or maybe
what we need
Show yourself
to the door
36.
Your difficult path will be rewarding
for others, at least
who you'll have to pay
to get you out
of another
"predicament"?
37.
The best way to get rid of an enemy is to make a friend
who owns a gun
or a knife
and has an alibi
and a wood chipper
and lives by a lake
38.
You will stumble upon wealth and prosperity
trip
and fall into poverty
when the hospital bill
comes due
39.
Be willing to admit your mistakes
Like buying this meal
If you only knew
what we know
you would not have taken
that
last
bite
40.
Approach life with bold enthusiasm
You might as well
with so little else
to offer
41.
You are as intelligent as you are good looking
Look in the mirror
No wonder
you couldn’t complete
Wordle
today
42.
Any doubts you have will soon disappear
with that shot of vodka
and you could dance yourself
into a felony
43.
Beautiful things await you
and hide
until you pass
giggling
in the other room
44.
Your winsome smile will be your sure protection
against having a job
and losing your virginity
45.
Your quiet charm will attract the attention of others
who will tell you you’re too pretty
not to smile
Pretend to fall
and catch yourself
by grinding your heel
through their toes
46.
Your reward is the walk not the destination
So keep in mind
our door is locked
We are not home
Now you are doubly
rewarded
