The Privet Hedge

There are at least two good reasons to plant privet hedge: 

1. You are totally out of your fucking mind.
2. You hate the world and want to destroy it. 

If you have any other reason than those two let me explain just how much of a damned idiot you must be. The privet hedge, and there are at least nine species in the United States, is the botanical spawn of Satan. It will grow everywhere. It smothers native plants. Its flower smells like a combination of your old Aunt Wanda’s perfume and ass wax. And, it’s damn near impossible to kill. After you’ve poisoned it, burned it, stomped on the roots, and brought in a priest to exorcise the ground it was growing in, chances are it will still sprout up the following year. 

Proving that slavery, witch burning and fruitcake weren’t the ONLY abominations our American forefathers could institute into the new country, the first privet hedge was introduced to the United States in the 1700s. Glossy privet was followed by Japanese privet, which was followed by Chinese privet, and then at least two other variations that some countries wised up enough to not put their damn names on. Privett was useful for those early American pioneers who wanted to keep their neighbors out of their damn yards. While I sympathize, a 10-foot-high barrier made of mud or dogshit might have been a better choice – and smelled better, too. 

Of course, as any story involving a plant that seemed like a good idea at the time, the son-of-a-bitch started spreading every damn where and crowding out native plants. Then butterflies, bees that had any sense, and any insect who wasn’t just stopping to take a shit on the leaves said, “Screw this,” and flew off to find something that didn’t automatically make them want to vomit. Privet grows so fast and so dense that it crowds out tree seedlings from getting any sunlight as well as any native shrubs that might have once thrived in the area. It also reproduces faster than the damn Dugger family, both producing ugly seeds and runners underground. 

New Zealand, that sacred democracy that managed to avoid Covid-19 AND Florida-Georgia Line, has declared war on privet hedge. Did you see a privet hedge in those “Lord of the Rings” movies? No, you did not, because if you see a privet hedge in New Zealand you call the government who calls in a hit squad and they kill that fucker by whatever means necessary. If they saw you planting one, they’d surely cut your damn arm off and feed it to a dragon. 

Maybe it’s a losing battle, but they have to protect those little hobbit bastards somehow. 

Yours in Christ, 

Russell Upsumdinar